What They *REALLY* Said….

 Another beloved Tree House dweller asked this question which once again produced a  humorous thread to read, Following on from the “I’m so deaf that…” post was this:

“What are the funniest things you have misheard/misread?”

Here is another compilation of all the examples given for your enjoyment.

 

Me and a friend (while playing poker)

ME: We need the Jack of Spades…

HER: *shocked* WHAT……did you say?!

ME: I said we need the Jack of spades….!

She had thought I said “I need to shag a spade”….

 

Me (aged 7) “Mum I want to watch ‘Penelope P###off’”

Mum looked bewildered for a moment and then says “Oh you mean Penelope Pitstop?”

Swearing at such a sweet young age so innocently!! For those of you who don’t know, she is a character in wacky races cartoon

 

Talking about what we were going to be for a children’s panto in school:

Me: I’m going to be a fairy.

Friend: I’m a dragon.

Me: You’re a drag queen?!!

 

Friend: Are we going to get that bread maker?

Me: Who’s he?

Friend: What do you mean?

Me: Who is Brad Beacon?

 

Mum: Have you seen the jet skis? (Have you seen the shed keys?)

 

Another was….”She shagged a bird???!” What makes it worse was the conversation that I was trying to follow was between two people using sign language!

 

This was a conversation between a friend and I back in 2009 “How old are those pigeons…?” to which I gave her a funny stare, but she repeated it as “How old are those pictures…?” (We were sat outside Tate Modern, and there WERE a lot of pigeons about…made for a very funny moment.)

 

At work:

“Jack’s mum is bringing in eggs for the whole class.”

(Me) “Eggs?”

“Yes.”

“Well presumably they’re chocolate ones?”

“Ooh I don’t know, they’re just eggs, I’m not sure if they’re chocolate.”

“Well we’d better work out how the children are going to take them home, or they won’t survive the journey.”

“They’ll be all right, they can take them in their hand on the way out.”

“Don’t you think it’s a really strange thing to give 5 & 6 year old children?”

“Not really. She’s brought them eggs before.”

“I think it’s a bit odd.”

“Oh (looks in box) they’re rainbow eggs.”

???

“Cakes Miss, C.A.K.E.S.”

 

I misread ‘biscuit’ as ‘big kiss’- thought it was strange that the nurse at blood donation was offering me a big kiss with my tea!

Would have been nice if wad a gorgeous male nurse though!

 

Whilst making a new friend:-

ME: So, what do you do?

HIM: I work as an Apple Mac operator.

ME: Huh? How does that work?! *getting images in head of apple trees*

HIM: *computer talk*

I thought he said ‘Apple MAKING operator’….duh!

 

My friend told me he was going to Australia to see the deaflympics.

I thought he had said ‘I’m going to Australia to see the deaf guinea pigs’.

Oh dear.

 

As a child I didn’t realise Maggie Thatcher and Manufacturer were two separate words/concepts.

 

A friend said she had won a WATER MELON for her services to dentistry. What?!

When written out for me she had been presented with an AWARD OF MERIT.

 

Elephant shoes!!  Another alternative is Colour view…. (look in the mirror and try to guess what this looks like?)

 

My colleagues in coffee break talking about Masters of Sex which I watch. I chip in with my expert analysis of sexual attitudes and society in the old days before someone chirps “We are talking about Masterchef!”. Whoops time for a sharp exit so they couldnt see my bright red face lol

 

I used to work at AA Insurance as Business Process Reengineer and the top Management job was vacant. Two people were shortlisted. A colleague called Gill and an external candidate. Curious I phoned the PA and asked for an exclusive scoop on who was successful. I heard Gill and did a whoop of delight. Other colleagues dragged the info out of me and a card gift were quickly organised. The delegation arrived at Gills office and did the whole Ta Da Congrats thing. Gill burst out crying as someone called Miss Hill had got the job!! I learned very quickly not to be an office gossip.

 

I asked my son what he felt about my new cue for pool tonight – He said have a good shit. Well that’s what was lip read but he actually said have a good hit.

 

Hubby brought me a piece of quiche when I had asked for a cup of tea….

 

~ SJ (Sara Jae)

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